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Apr 21, 2010
@ 2:25 am
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A reflection past the mirror

In those short moments of revelation when you come face to face with yourself, and see eye to eye with things that people you are closed to know about you already and nudge you away from in their ever gentle ways, I finally saw what my problem is …

I try too hard to hold on, and when i let my control freakyness thrashing to direct the events around my life i bring misery to my life and of those who i hold close.

The moment has passed and i am my normal self again, who would perhaps out of habit do the same thing over and over again.. but in that moment of Wijdan (oh how i love my niece’s name) i looked back at the strange me and felt horror of who lives within and how i’d look at others with the same sight with an emotion no less than pitty.

I am grateful to those who put up with the hollowness i hold within with a feeling of agitation that i am much more than that and not with “poor girl, she does not know how to be at peace with life and is ruining her happiness in the process” look.

FS, NR, Mo, Kit, LP, SP Thank you for being agitated and not sympathetic every time i clench my hand to tight to hold on to the falling sand only to be miserable when i end up with nothing in the end……. you being mad means you feel i can change even when sometimes you do not express your anger in the most appropriate words… 


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Jan 21, 2010
@ 1:42 am
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Technology oh the Tech NO logy!

I think i know why the most simple machines give me such a hard time in class… i think they do it to get back at me for showing off to everyone how tech comfortable i am!

Copiers work with me, the printers hear when i tell them to work after every buddy else is done girting their teeth trying for them to function… of course if your computer is giving you are hard time you can pay me a visit but oh the speakers!

Little one wire speakers wont hear my warnings,pleas, even the threats… they wont nudge even a bit when i touch them lightly or brutally snap them! when i am in my class… vulnerable in front of the kids totally dependent on those speakers to create the aura i will feed on during the debrief… the little one wire buggers wont pay heed…

such a humbling experience when technology that generally abide by all commands revolts in places when you cant really do anything but shrug your shoulders thinking quickly what can be the plan B when the speakers fail you!


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Dec 17, 2009
@ 3:00 am
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If I dont desire chocolate and my fridge is full of it whats the point? and what is the point of life?

i cant renounce my desire! that is what makes me human!

I love God coz i know what love is! coz i value love because i love life and i love people in this world!

if i devalue love of this world for the divine i would never be able to love the divine and if i dont love divine i would never value that either…

losing your self is different than losing your desire

losing desire is to lose the self with small case as well as upper case!


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Dec 11, 2009
@ 12:57 am
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instant answers :)

Have you ever felt that you question something in you mind and poof next thing you read, see or experince kind of answers that immediately?

I often have those moment but this one is so worth putting down!

so i was reading through the last pages of a digest where little anecdotes are submitted by readers… mid way done with the section i came across an entry entitled “Bad zaat Yahoodi” i cant really translate the word as bad zaat is a complicated word with a lot of contextual baggage.. the title however meant to demean Jewish community (which seems like the favorite past time of some Muslims since past few centuries)…

The entry was perhaps written by a fan of Hitler (i wonder if there is such a thing) and it quoted from him, “I could have killed all Jews but i left a few so that they could talk about what they went through” (i don’t know the source but i think what follows does not really need citing a source)

As being someone who usually read through stuff without paying attention to the title i read this entry too and once i had i was so troubled that for a moment or two i regretted reading through it (like i have nothing else to think about or be troubled by) anyway so the train of thoughts was triggered and really what could i have done about it….

I kept thinking and feeling bad as to why people feel it is their duty to show hatred about Jewish community… and if this hatred is triggered by recent events (which i also condemn to great degree) is it appropriate to quote from Hitler and his feelings for that community? i mean have you ever even read, searched, or seen the details of what had happened during the holocaust to bring it to light just to get back to a community? (if not please do read “Night” to get a closer picture)

I felt worse due to the entry being submitted in one of my favorite digests, the one i always associated with responsible texts! so here i was thinking about picking a pen and a paper to give the editor a bashing and i read through the first line of the next entry

and it read a quotation from Wasif ali Wasif, “you will only be respected if you show people respect”

The entry might have just happened to come right after such a hatefull remark but i really felt so much better about it….. for me it was there just to show people that you show hatred to people, you demean them and then what u get in return is nothing better so better start treating human beings as not “bad zaat” but God’s creation! and please do not forget that at the end of the day the community towards which you feel such a duty to look down upon is Ahl-al-Kitab… they are guided by prophets too and a lot of them Love Allah the same way you do!!!


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Dec 4, 2009
@ 11:46 am
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Allah…

When will be your world a place where we do not hear about people dying of blasts?

When will the distribution of wealth be such that there is no hunger? no deprivation and a child feels safe growing up around adults?

When will your best creation will feel inspired to look beyond indivisual interest and sustain it for longer than few minutes?

when will i stop 1.think and feel bad, 1. write and feel better but not do anything about it?

How can I reach out to the families of those who dies today in a blast, yesterday in a blast, day before in another and the day before in another?

If my prayer reaches you Allah please guide me, and us as your best creation

help us be our best and not our worst Allah, help…  

This may sound like gibberish and seriously i dont care if it does.. i just needed to put it out there i just wanted to feel better… if it is read please pray with me! pray for sabr for those who lost their family members and pray for the souls of those who are victims here as well as souls of those who victimized but in turn themselves are victims….


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Dec 4, 2009
@ 5:30 am
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The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.

— Ralph W. Sockman


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Nov 29, 2009
@ 4:22 am
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interesting

i just realized my last 3 entried have been after perfect 10 day breaks lol

8th, 18th and then 28th :)


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Nov 28, 2009
@ 8:14 am
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The cow mania

Dont get me wrong i love the eid and everything that comes along with it (perticularly the biryanies!!!) but i do have stuff i wish to rant about so here goes….

SOooo this has been running through my mind ever since a cow arrived in our neighbourhood for Qurbani… the poor thing seemed so restless tied by a small rope in a narrow ally where cows oh sorry cars pass every other minute. Funny thing was everyone who passed stared at it as if it was the firt time they have seen a cow (i did that the first time too lol). Anyway so the first day was about looking at it and the second day was all about teasing the poor animal tied down by such a small rope(it really was a small rope!). Last two mornings have all been about waking up to jingles caused by the bells they have put on the cows as the kids all over the neighblurhood get together to drag the animals trying to race them. Not only that! but kids who perhaps dont have cows, or goats or sheeps etc make it their duty to hit the animal once, then again and once the animals snap back and are restrained in motion thanks to the small rope (there i go again) the kids sneak up to the animal again and there comes another smack or kick and God knows what and what not…

These are animals of sacrifice, forget about respect, forget about love oh forget about even the humanity lets just kick, tease and drag them because they are tied down and cant really do any harm to you… and that too by kids? it is kind of scary for just a bit too many reasons….

That is not where it ends though, today was the first day of Eid, driving down the road was a nightmare! animals slaughtered on the roads, their wastes lying around, cars runing by them at a few places, blood.. oh my

Its a shame how we are capabale of turning an occation of such symbolic meaning into a no rule masacre!

I wish some molana Sahab feels for it and issues an obligation for the people who wish to do the animal sacrifice to pet that animal for at least two months! then will come the real test (hopefully), trusting in the humanity Allah has blessed us with perhaps in a bit of time people who buy the animals would start liking it (especially the kids), would take care of it, will get attached to it. comes the time of Qurbani and they will feel the pain of sacrificing something important in the path of God, then they will pay the right respect to the poor animal and perhaps the city would be cleaner as a pet of 2 months dying i would want to burry with respect every part of its body that is not for me to distribute, would i then even be able to eat its own meat?

oh well just a thought…


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Nov 18, 2009
@ 3:48 am
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Mourn for the fresh air

I hate it when the so called “high standard of living” takes away things that i treasure to be replaced by ice boxes that dont even work during the power cuts! (which is by the way pretty frequent in karachi!)

the rant is about this new announcment that i heard in the JK today… while most people would be excited about the development and cheering for the AC installations that will be completed in 3 months or so (lets make it six knowing the track record of you know who :P); i am not so keen to see it happen. dont ask me why! i think i am just skeptical of the new age machines that take us away from the life of nature or perhaps i am just one of those people who do not want to see ”the jamat going forward” (with AC installation???)

i guess i am being too melodramatic lol…ok lets be objective then! I think the real reason for me not being excited about the development is rooted in my memories of enterning JK, sitting in the spot right accorrss the window on a hot summer day and as soon as i would settle in a cool breeze (natural that was) would make me feel so much closer to the nature and thus the devine that it almost felt spiritual… huh three months and i will enter an air tight space with that familiar smell of AC air and the swish swash of the swing mode!

I wonder if they will skip on loban one of these days saying

a. Its a hindu practice

b. It makes people cough

c. People are allergic to the smell

d. the ashes stain the carpet

e. oh well its time to move on!!!

i think its time for me to move on as well and find something new to trigger my spirituality….


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Nov 8, 2009
@ 5:36 am
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Zahir vs Batin?

I was amazed by one of the entries that i read in one of my regular digests… it was an excerpt from Mohamad Iqbal’s diary or so.. it narrated a story of a Mowlana sahab who often visited Iqbal and while he was always impressed with Iqbal’s services to Islam he often complained why Iqbal didnt keep a beard. One day the Mowlana sahab came to Iqbal with a legal case of his parent’s inheritance where he wanted to take over the maximum share of the inheritance, leaving a negligible amount for his sister, Iqbal looked at him smiling and said (how i picture it being said), “you know how you always complain i dont keep a beard, lets make a deal today, you follow the way Islam guides you to distribute the inheritance giving your sister the full share she deserves and i will follow Islam by keeping a beard”

i dont know why it just triggered something in me :)…..reminded me for some reason of one of the stepper who now wears a tattoo saying there is no compulsion in faith (or islam? i dont exactly recall :))